I’m not dead.

Watch out for lesbians like these (pictured below).  Their mission in life is to ruin your marriage, have sex with animals, and steal your children.

Wow, I have been such a slacker lately.  I just haven’t felt inspired to do much of anything.  But I’m not dead.  I’ve got some stuff in my back pocket.  I am going to start on an Andy Warhol-inspired painting of Obama.  Luckily, he’s very easy to sketch.  He looks like a caricature of himself.  Thanks Obama for having such an angular face.  And what is this, the 1900’s?  Proposition 8?  Not sure what’s going to happen to the legality of my marriage, nor do I fucking care.  If a bunch of assholes want to ‘protect their marriage’ by nullifying mine, then they need a lot more help than I do.  I guess it’s okay to watch a bunch of faggots on T.V. and buy their clothes/use their services, but when it comes to them having rights – that’s just insane.  We’ll keep living our happy lives, and all of you uneducated, close minded, sexually confused assholes who voted yes to hate can keep wasting your energy trying to ruin mine.

Note:  And yes, you are uneducated – we develop our sexuality by the time we are 5 years old.  Ever met anyone who made the decision to eat pussy for the rest of their lives at 5 years old?  I didn’t think so.

 

Wine Tour

This is our day in Napa Valley and Sonoma.

Leaving San Fran

Jumpers

Alcatraz

We rode a drunk bus, so we could drink as much as we wanted.

This part of the trip was really fun.  The tour guide had allergies/sinus problems and kept breathing open-mouthed into the mic and sniffing his nose constantly.  Awesome.

Sleeping Asian

We arrived at the first winery called Vanisia(sp?)  This place had the best wine, but it was the MOST BORING 45 MINUTES OF MY LIFE.  This guy loved to talk, and I was ready for wine tasting but he was in no hurry.

Outside of the winery.  Oh wow, I just noticed – check out the guy in the black shirt with the man shorts.

Wine barrels.  I tried to take one, but they were too heavy.

These little pictures signify everything you have to do to make wine, and what time of the year it is. 

This is when I was pretty much done with the wine tour – when the guide told us we had to be quiet, because there were imaginary Italian monks sleeping through that gate.

Evil-looking door.

We finally made it outside, and I thought we were on our way to the wine.  Then he started to talk again, and I just wandered off from the group completely and sat down.

Figured it was a good time for a photo op.

Look how happy I am!

Yaaaay wine. 

Hehehehohoho

Glug glug

Mmm  glug glug glug

Burp

Aww. 

Then we arrived at the Madonna winery.  When we left San Francisco, it was in the low 60’s, and when we got on the bus, the tour guide said it would be around 100 degrees by noon and it was.  Nice to know, since we’re all wearing sweaters.

They told us that red wine comes from white grapes, and white wine comes from purple grapes. 

This tour guide was pretty cool.  He kept it short and sweet.

I felt sorry for this winery.  It was really small, and I don’t think anyone really liked the wine.  I felt a really big guilt trip coming on to buy a bottle of wine out of pity, but luckily Sue was there to stop me.

We stopped at this little tourist village halfway throught to eat lunch, and we both had to buy shirts.  Sue got a really cute shirt, and of course the only one I could find was this ugly tanktop that I will never wear again. 

 

Funeral, Rocking Horse, Motorcycle

I forgot my phone/camera at home today so I can’t download anything on here, but don’t worry it’s coming.  There was a lot of drunk fun this weekend which included a funeral, a rocking horse and a motorcycle not in that particular order.

Sue and I are going to a costume party this week.  We’re pretty broke and she already has scrubs, so she is going to be a doctor and I have to go find a nurse costume.  I already have stripper heels, so it shouldn’t cost that much.  Maybe next year we will splurge on brown paint and a JFK suit and we can be Michelle and Barack.  Oh, and by the way, I say JFK suit because Sue and I believe he is trying to I am JFK his way into office.  Probably totally wrong, but who cares. 

Here’s some pics from Chinatown in San Fran. 

AHAHA.  Has anyone seen The Last Dragon?  Used to watch it every fucking day.  If you’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about right’chere.

Got tired of walking, so we stopped at this little shop to taste some tea.  Ended up being anxiety guilted into buying 10 dollars worth.  It was worth it, though.

Don’t you dare laugh at my hair

I don’t know whose hand that is.

 

Lesbian Wedding/Black Bra Magic

We went back to the room so I could change for the reception dinner after the wedding.  I’m getting ready and then realize that I DIDN’T BRING MY BLACK BRA.  I decided to try on the other bra I was wearing and Alicia laughed as soon as I came out of the bathroom so I figured that would be a ‘no’.  Then I start crying because I can’t wear my reception outfit.  Drama.  Since I don’t know where the fuck I am, I call the concierge to see where I can buy a bra and then I hear what heaven sounds like.

Concierge Jesus:  Thank you for calling Whatever Whenever.  How can I help you Mrs. Damon? 

Me:  Umm.. I forgot my bra at home, and I need to find one in a hurry.  Do you know where there is a store nearby?

Jesus:  Sure, there is blah blah blah blah blah.

Me:  Uh…  Okay, do you know if I can use the Whenever car?  My reception starts in an hour.  (They have a car with a driver you can book for free)

Jesus:  It’s being used right now.  Mrs. Damon, if you’d like, we can get that for you.

Me:  What do you mean you can get that for me?

Jesus:  I would be happy to send someone to go find you a bra.

Me:  Are you serious?!?!?!?!?   

Jesus:  Yes, there is a Fredericks of Hollywood nearby.

Me:  YEAH!  Go there!!!!!!!!

Jesus:  Okay, Mrs. Damon, their bras start around the $75.00 range. 

Me:  AHAHA.. where else can I get a bra?

Jesus:  We will find what you need.

Me:  Okay, I need a black 36ABCD, push up, underwire and I think that’s it.

30 minutes later I get a knock on my door, and this poor white guy with an afro whips out a Victoria’s Secret bag with my bra inside.  BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!  I felt like Oprah – I wanted to live there and never leave after that.  Didn’t happen.

Ellie Belly

Leech

Who let this beast out of her cage?!?!  SEE THE BRA?!?!  It’s legendary.

Alicia only eats chicken, carbs, cheese and pasta.  She ordered a side of fried rice and lo mein.  Nerd

Dreamy

Alicia got this really cool tea.  They put the bud in, and then it slowly blooms into a flower.  I wonder if anyone got tired of hearing me say, “OMG!  That’s the stuff Marie Antoinette would drink.” 

There is a story about this pic.  Sue was outside smoking and then saw us taking a group picture and jumped in really quick.  Well the people to the right of us were appalled for a sec., because they didn’t realize she was with us.

 

More Big Fat Gay Wedding Pics

Wow Sue, don’t look so excited.  It’s only your WEDDING DAY!  Check out the excited guests in the background.  And don’t even make any jokes about you know who. 

BWAHAHA

Cheeeeeeeese.  Beautiful girl. 

I haven’t been to very many weddings, so when it was time to light the unity candle I broke out into a cold sweat because I had no idea WTF I was doing.  I just copied Sue. 

This is where I tell everyone not to fuck up the marriage license, because it’s like $15.00 an error. 

Whenever I learn how to put videos on here, I will include one of our wedding.  You will get to see the part where the song we picked out prior to the wedding was supposed to play, but the stereo stuff was malfunctioning.  I’m like whatever no big deal, I don’t care about the song anyway.  But then, as a special SURPRISE the minister busts out with this old pre 1900’s song, and I’m like where THE FUCK did that come from?  The look on our faces is the best part of the wedding.

Dude, check out that hand on Sue’s shoulder.  WTF WTF

Every time I see this pic, it reminds me of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off where they’re staring at the art in the museum.  Epic. 

OMG lovers

I want to pinch her cheeks

And they say people aren’t born gay.  Check out JW’s pose. (far right)

 

More Lesbo Wedding Pics

I never put pics up from the actual ceremony, because I am lazzzzzzzy. 

 

Look at Sue’s cute little hands. 

Did I do ‘roids before the wedding?  Look at those veins popping out on my hand.  It must’ve been nerves — literally — AHAHA I kill me. 

We wrote each other a special message and then e-mailed it to the minister before the wedding.  Then she read it to us and it lead to lots and lots of Kleenex.  I love my Sue Sue.

Everyone was asked to say something about the ridiculously hot couple and this is where my best friend says she doesn’t know Susan that well, but she is by far the best person I’ve ever been with and boy have I dated A LOT of women.  Thanks, Leech.  I can always count on you to call me out and tell me I’m a slut (even at my wedding).  HAHA

Then the minister let me slip her the tongue.  I get to sleep next to this insanely hot woman every night.  I guess she doesn’t know how much money I don’t make.  We will keep this between us.